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By Firefly on Thursday, December 23, 1999 - 10:25 pm: Edit

I am wondering what folks think about people that are/remain married or have children from a previous heterosexual relationship while still identifying themselves as gay, even participating actively in the community. Please be sincere in your answers, no slurs -- Im interested in good arguments, not in cliches.

By Mikey on Sunday, December 26, 1999 - 05:46 pm: Edit

As far as people who have children, still say they are gay and participate in the community - I say, Why not?

Just because someone has kids does not mean they are not gay, or not good gays. Alot of us, myself included, have had sex with past girlfriends before we knew we were gay or before we came out.
It was something I did out of my own ignorance of my gayness. I thought that sleeping with women was just what I had to do, like it or not.
I can see how people could get kids from their prior relationships.
If they are now fully out and wish to participate in the community, then more power to them. Besides, theyll be helping to raise kids who are open-minded and not hateful, as is more likely to happen when being raised by true straight people.

As far as people who are still married, do you mean still married in a straight sense? If so, and they are gay, they need to come out and live honestly.

By Firefly on Tuesday, December 28, 1999 - 08:32 pm: Edit

I assume that married in a straight sense to you means marriage to the opposite sex. Thats what I meant.

Why couldnt you remain married for the time being, come out to your spouse and to others, but for some reason remain in that marriage? A reasoning could be to provide a certain security - figurative sense - for your kids. Given that the pain of living together does not exceed the pain of getting a divorce.

I am not saying that gay/lesbian couples would not be capable of doing the same, I am talking about sparing the children the pain of a divorce for the time being. Until the situation becomes such that the reasonable thing to do would be to split up.

I have found that in doing this, I/we get pitiful looks from the straight folks that know, and for the gay/lesbian folks its sort of OK I think for most its kind of an odd situation to be in. They would never even consider me for a partner, but I am also not actively searching for one right now.

Im out to my spouse and to a few other folks. My policy is neither to volunteer nor to deny it in most settings, but usually I do volunteer when I am feeling comfortable about it. I believe I live honestly and up to my beliefs and am constantly re-evaluating my decisions.

By Mikey on Tuesday, January 04, 2000 - 09:41 pm: Edit

OK, I see what you mean now - you are still married.
Doing it for the kids is acceptable, depending on your situation, the relative age and maturity of your kids, etc.
Just remember - when you do eventually divorce, come out to your family, and possibly seek a gay relationship, you may have to answer to your children why you did not be honest and be yourself from the beginning. When they are adults, might they feel badly that they were, indirectly, the cause of you not living your life as openly as possible? Just a thought... stuff for the psychologists, Im sure;

Your last sentence says the most important thing though - and if you are happy and comfortable, then it cant be too wrong.

Good luck!

By Firefly on Monday, January 10, 2000 - 04:44 pm: Edit

It cant be too wrong. Thats an interesting notion. I am actually struggling with the rational side of things, that is, what I think I HAVE to do, and the emotional side of things, that is, what I WANT to do.

I think that taking it step by step is probably the best solution right now. Thanks for your encouraging words. At some point I will at least be able to say that I was trying to do what I believed was right.

Take care!

By Jeff on Monday, June 25, 2001 - 12:55 am: Edit

I am married with four children, and have been suppressing my gay feelings for 24 years. In the last few years this has manifested itself in depression and thoughts of suicide. I sought professional help recently and he suggested that I network with men in similar situations. I am planning to attend a couples PFLAG meeting next month, but was wondering what other support there might be out there. I dont think that monthly meetings will be enough. DESPERATELY, Jeff.

By Misio on Sunday, February 02, 2003 - 08:42 pm: Edit

this is off-topic but it is very important to me im posting this in every forum.
can anyone tell me if there are any gay friendly churches or religious organizations in cleveland area i have no religious preference. im looking to find a new church because my pastor recently preached about the evils of homosexual lifestyle.

By Bwaynef on Tuesday, June 10, 2003 - 06:43 pm: Edit

A freelance writer friend of mine needs GLBT parents to discuss teen pregnancy and their experiences with it with their child. Anyone here familiar with such a situation or know someone who would be willing to be interviewed anonymously if necessary? Write me at brianwfairbanks@yahoo.com

By Bellaparry55 on Monday, August 04, 2003 - 02:24 pm: Edit

I was locked into a marriage. When I was 14 I told my Mother I loved a woman she said how filthy. I felt filthy, I got married at 19 to a man who was a good man except he was into booze. We had 3 children and I was a good wife and he a good husband. I meet a woman on the net, I came to meet her and I fell in love with her. I left my husband after 27 years last year. Our children were almost grown, he never got over me leaving him and died in feb 2003. The truth is, you never know what you have lost till its gone!!! About the woamn I love, yes I do love her so very much we are both nearly 50. I have travelled to the United States to be with her. I miss my home so much. Terrible long lonely days of silence as I move about doing menial household taskswhile she is at work. I was a Counsellor in my home country. Here I am nothing much more than a servant. America needs to get real. This is a great country but it shoots itself in its own foot with Judgement and Religion. The question that comes into my mind is. If Jesus was here what would he do? Easy answer! Jesus is here, let him be boss and America let the love flow...How dare you not!!!

By Unelouve57 on Wednesday, August 06, 2003 - 04:32 am: Edit

Thing is, Ive been reading the above letters, and it got me to thinking. Im a woman about to be married to a wonderful man, and weve been together for five years. I told him from the beginning that I was bi, and, while it might not be exactly the same as being gay, it does indicate an attraction to the opposite sex.

My fiancee has told me on several occasions that its fine with him if I make love to a woman. Ive had these kinds of relationships with a few girlfriends in the past. I havent met anyone since Ive been with him. I did approach one young woman who was more lesbian than bi Im forty-five, but she wasnt interested.

Relating this to the above, wouldnt this be a classic case of wanting to be married but still be gay/bi, and having it be fine for all concerned? The only possible complication would be if my lover were to want me all to herself. But, it would be understood from the beginning that I was married. She could still be my best friend and my only female lover. How does this sound? Meaning that Im looking for feedback!

By Bellaparry55 on Wednesday, August 06, 2003 - 08:49 am: Edit

Unelouve- how would you feel if your husband to be had a male lover? Would that be fine? How would it be if he wanted to be with you and your female lover and paid her more attention than you? Would that be fine? How would your children handle this? If love grew between you and her, and it grew and grew...where to? Would that be fine?
I pass no Judgement. But Unelouve you are a most wonderful person, love you enough to protect the beautiful flower that you are. Bella